I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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