The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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