Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
