im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
