I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
