I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
