I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
