Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So squirting runs in the family.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
