girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
