no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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