I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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