he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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