I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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