i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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