The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
