If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
