I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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