I CAN MOONWALK!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
