I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
