Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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