My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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