I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
