im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
