yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
