My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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