i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
