you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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