I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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