Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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