her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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