he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
