I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
