**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
a search helicopter?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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