once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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