nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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