i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
