Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
