Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
