my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
