I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
