oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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