guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
did you just send me my own nude
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
