uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
