I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your cock deserves a montage
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
