some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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