I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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