a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
