I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
