Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
