i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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