Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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