Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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