I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
