Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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