He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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