Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
