Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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