Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
